about to break

it's been a while since i have fill in the details of what's happening to me right now. i used to do this with my other blogs but currently, i find no time to do that, until now. maybe because this is my only way of expressing what i truly feel. this is my sole escape from the harsh world, my sole redemption.

i am deeply hurt right now but not as much as i've hurt my significant other. lately, i've been struggling to keep up with my life...trying so hard to balance everything and put it on it's rightful places. yet, every time i do so, i keep on failing to keep up with the other parts. maybe because life is not at all equal, something has to fall in order for the other to rise. tsk...tsk...tsk...currently, that's what's going on in my life right now. i'm pretty much messed up, to make things worst, i am the reason to every bit of it. all the fingers point back to me. i am responsible for this struggle i put myself into. it is all because of me. am i undergoing self pity? nah, i think i'm not. i've just realized, i am responsible to everything that's happening to me. it's all my doings, therefore, it's all my fault.

as i am trying to balance my life, little did i know, i kept my relationship with my significant other unbalanced. blind as i was, it was until today that i've realized i have a lot of things to make up with him. time, effort, patience, trust, those sort of things. yes, i ruined our relationship. sadly, it's now falling apart. i made a mistake of lying to him, which he then eventually found out at the end of the day. darn, why did i have to lie to him? my mistake, i know. blame me all you want. i perfectly know my mistake. and i am really sorry for what i've done. yet, i think sorry doesn't make it anymore. he doesn't believe anymore, doesn't even know if what i've told him that i don't wanna lose him is true. haay...now, he didn't respond to my text already. the communication has been cut. what should i do?i really don't know. i am ashamed of what i have done and the problem is, i don't know how to approach him anymore. (sniff. sniff)

school blues

I have been out of school for months now; 3 months to be exact. Maybe that's why I am still not accustomed to what I have in my life right now. Every weekdays, I pass by Xavier University and every time I do, I can't deny the feeling I feel that i miss...

...the security guards that I sometimes fight with in order to get inside the campus.
...fooling the security guards, assuring them that I am wearing the right dress code though I'm sometimes guilty about it. (hehe)
...those times when I wake up and quite shocked with the time since I know I am going to be late for class.
...those times when I leave the house with an empty stomach just because I have an early exam.
...those long lines I engage myself into for the fact that I need to be enrolled, to pay the tuition fees, to have my subject loads, have an evaluation and to get the marks I have for the semester.
...those times when my heart is pounding so fast, afraid that a disgracing F would appear on my sheet.
...the jokes we used to have, saying that what an expensive paper it is, for us to pay 2,600 and that is, the green form used for our enrollment.
...the fights with the student volunteers for failing to call our priority numbers at our sbm building.
...those days when I used to hang out at timber or sit around the benches chatting the afternoon away even if I know my class is going on while I am by standing on the area.
...the lame reason I usually have when my classmates would ask me why I enjoy skipping class (what's the purpose of my allowable absences if I won't use it?)
...the endless waiting for my next allowance to arrive.
...the twice a year visit at the library to get my clearance be signed.
...those times when I sit at the corner of the room pretending that I am listening to the discussion when in fact, I am really not.
...the sufferings I had during those grueling and boring subjects.
...the weird philosophy teacher I had.
...those times when I cram for exams and get surprised to get a passing mark.
...those times when I join in with a crowd just to buy orbitz.
...the covacho I used to drink.
...the professors which some of them I hate while some I like.
...those classmates who asks for answers from me without them knowing, I, too doesn't have one.
...the projects, may it be a group or individual, were made the day before the submission.
...those times when I attend a class and get surprise because a quiz is going to take place.
...those subjects I had surprisingly passed though I didn't put an effort on it.
...the thesis, those system we used to make, the reaction papers, and the reflection papers
...the recollections and retreat where the coordinators would hope that at the end, they have enlighten us in some ways.
...the different classmates I had which became good friends of mine through out my entire college life.
...the fun times, the outings, the skipping of classes, the bottles they used to empty when problems shook the best of them and I, on the other hand just sit with them and watch them drink the liquor away promising myself to never ever do the same thing.
...by standing at computer cafes

AND i do believe it boils down to one thing...i just miss my school days.